Why I watch award shows, the bad

First off, hi, Robert? Why haven't you called? Oh, you were a little bit busy today. Okay. Still, you have my number, right?

Let's start the bad from the tippity top, so to speak.

Mariah Carey in Max Azaria for Herve Leger

Hahahahahahahaaaa. . . wait. . .

Isn't Mariah doing this on purpose? Couldn't she feel the damp rainy wind blowing all up her cleavage? Because the girls popped out of my TV screen, right into my living room, like some frightening 3D Avatar animated trick. At one point, I swear they were on my couch. The cats hid in the bedroom until she and her boobies went away.
Patricia Arquette in something or other

I have nothing. Nada. Eeep.

Chloe Sevigny in Valentino

Wow, you can see the raindrops on this borrowed multi-thousand dollar dress. Anyway, my mom has a thing for dust ruffles. You know, the kind where there's a flat part that you layer between the mattress and box springs, and then a ruffled part hangs down to the floor. I have never liked them on a bed--unnecessary, too fluffy fussy, plus their job is to store dust. I can't say that I care for them as a dress much either.

Zoe Saldana in Louis Vuitton

Good afternoon, and welcome to Casa del Toro. Our happy hour special today is the chicken chimichanga and a $3.00 margarita!

Nicole Kidman in Nina Ricci

Ah, Nicole is stunning, like a porcelain doll. A porcelain doll with an obvious high beam nipple mishap. You could see them onstage when she was presenting. Where were the petal hiding thingies?

Diane Kruger in Lacroix, darling

There's a difference between ombre and tie dye. Ombre is a rich gradation in color, either from hue to hue, or from light to dark. Tie dye is something you do to an old men's Hanes t-shirt in your bathroom sink. This is the latter, in a startling Peto Bismol color.

Julianne Moore in Balenciaga

Julianne is one of my favorite actresses, and she is so incredibly beautiful. The frumpy schlumpy grumpy dress looks like an Eva Gabor hand me down from Green Acres. One of those ridiculous flowy peignoirs that she used to wear, only made in heavy, stiff fabric, and laundered incorrectly at least twice.

Tina Fey in Zac Posen

Tina is one of the wisest, wittiest women in the entertainment business. She's wildly successful, down to earth, and oh so likeable. She also cannot dress for awards shows. She looks like a pinata, or one of those fold out crepe decorations that you use as a table centerpiece during a baby shower. And those shoes. Oh, those shoes. Why why why those shoes? Some gay man needs to fly in and help her, stat.

Ashley Tisdale in Diane von Furstenburg

This is a semi-major awards show. It's kind of a formal occasion. This says Solid Gold dancer audition. Seriously, did Diane von Furstenburg make that tragic skirt? And leopard shoes with this? Rwar!

Anna Lynne McCord in something or other

Okay, this girl is from the new 90210, a show I have never watched. I loved the original, though. Remember the brooding lustiness of Dylan McKay, with his highly stylized sideburns and hair? Ah, those were the days. But back to this mess. Pretty girl, but the ghosts of Michael Jackson's gloves are fondling her breasts. Unsettling, to say the least.

Lindsay Lohan in Brian Lichtenberg

Mama said knock you oooouuut, I'm gonna knock you oooouuuut.

She wasn't even at the Golden Globes. She just attended some after party and got her picture taken in one of Mike Tyson's old boxing robes. Complete with visible bruises. Classy. And is that a pillow behind her, or did it come built into the dress to break her fall if she has too many Mojitos and falls over? Come on, it's a legitimate question.