The Grammys!

The Grammys were held last night. I can tell I'm getting older, because I no longer follow popular music, but I do love the performances and the fashion. So what if I haven't heard of half of these people? I never really liked pop music anyway. Even Green Day was too mainstream for me back in my heyday. Because I was that cool! Okay, no I wasn't. I've been listening to Bob Dylan since birth, and that's just the way it was. I do have a soft spot for "Mmmm Bop" though.

So, Grammy fashion is a world unto itself. Let's just take it at shiny, glittery face value, and pay no mind to designers or any of that official stuff, all right?

Lady GaGa in Armani

Oh, GaGa, you fascinate me. I know, I wasn't going to bring up designers, but Armani made these clothes for her! Armani, the king of simplistic elegant tailoring made these over the top, drag queen clothes for her. Incredible. There's the magical Sputnik dress with the vintage aerial antenna handbag doohickey that she wore on the red carpet. I want a knock off version to wear grocery shopping. There's the green Star Trek-esque bodysuit that she performed in. And then there's that insane and fantabulous silver glitter ice princess lightning bolt headed whatsit that she sat in out in the audience. And some kind of silver torture platform shoes. I think her performance was good, but I honestly never get past the visual impact of GaGa. Can she sing? I have no flipping idea. But she can perform. I kind of adore her.

Some dude's grill

Question: Will red wine discolor that?

Kesha

Part Wilma Flinstone, part fringed bordello lampshade. She had a weird glitter make up thing occurring too. Unkempt and overdone.

Mary J. Blige

What a great color on her. Sophisticated with a little cutout edge. She looks elegant, bright and lovely. Mary is a heroine. And those earrings are to die for.

Ciara

See through lace trousers? Hmmm. Yeah, I don't get it either. The jacket is interesting, but the rest looks like mobile home curtains that have been Rit dyed.

Snooki from Jersey Shore

Hahahahaa. . . Oh, dear. Grimace the monster from the McDonald's commercials has a love child with a pole dancer in a bath of spray tan, right? Hahahahaaaaa. . . whew.

Miley Cyrus

She's trying so hard to be an adult, but she always looks wrong. I want to cut her hair and give her different shoes and a bright lip and something less severe. The dress is fine, but it's not fine for her. What is she, seventeen? This is a dress for Reba, not Miley.

Pink

Goodness, I love Pink, with her platinum white hair and her attitude. This is a lot of frilly embellished dress, but she pulls it off, doesn't she? Tough and feminine, a hard combo to get right. I love the ombre effect of the tiers, too. Her performance was amazing, part Cirque de Soliel and part Slip 'n' Slide. Wow.

Katy Perry

I really want to like Katy Perry, with her black page boy haircut and her poppish alternateen edginess. But this dress is wickety-whack. Ugh. It's part discount Barbie dress--you know, the knock off "For your 11 1/2 inch fashion doll" dresses--and part bathtub no slip adhesive flowers that have been spray painted metallic gold.

Taylor Swift

A beautiful girl in an incredible dress. The neckline on that gown is amazing, and it was certainly her night. She wears clothes wonderfully, and is cute as a button. However, I don't think she can sing. It seems like she's talking in a sing song voice, and making up the words as she goes along. Does anyone else feel this way? Apparently, America loves her. What am I missing? I only enjoyed her performance once Stevie Nicks came out and started purring,

Imogene Heap

Okay, I don't know who she is, but we've descended into the eighth circle of crazytown right here. Apparently, the dress somehow Twittered on its own or some such thing? Whatever. She looks like a maniacal flying nanny who doubled as a chimney sweep. In Essex. Seriously, what the hell is all that? There's technology on one hand and fashion on the other. Please do not whisk together until it forms stiff peaks.

Beyonce

Sometimes, Beyonce gets it terribly wrong. She's so gorgeous, and built like a woman ought to be, but sometimes she has trouble fitting all the fierceness into the right dress. This, however, is delightful. Furthermore, she had the performance of the night for me.

Britney Spears

Hello? Pants? Anyone? Skirt? Bottoms to go with the top? Did everyone forget? Were they running to the Circle K for Cherry Slushies and smokies? Granny panties are not hot, even in black. And Brit really should be a blonde. Under house arrest. God love her.