Monday, December 6, 2010

Cooking with MAB: Waffle-pocalypse

So, you all know I'm not much of a cook, right? Okay, that's drastically understating my cooking ability. 84% of the time, my cooking attempts end up in some sort of apocalypse. We've had Pancake-pocalypse, even Cannedsoup-pocalypse. Now, let me tell you about Waffle-pocalypse.

Saturday, I decided I wanted waffles. Or even one waffle. Half a waffle would have been all right too. I took my Krusteaz pancake mix, actually read the directions and mixed up the mix with the correct water and oil. Got out my waffle maker/sandwich maker/renaissance cooking thingie, and heated it up. Here we go!

I poured in the first batch of batter, closed the lid. Batter oozed in a dramatic goop out both sides of the pancake machine. Not a problem, I over-filled. This is not like getting gas, where the pump cuts you off automatically when you're full. I mopped up the partly cooked goop and waited. I lifted the lid on the waffle machine. Waffle top stuck in lid. Waffle bottom stuck in bottom. Ripped up tragic waffle shreds in between.

I was not discouraged. I pried all the stuck crap out of the waffle nooks with a fork, scraped out all the rest of the destruction, and coated the iron quite liberally with mystical nonstick cooking spray. Filled the waffle maker again with batter. Cleaned up crumbs and general destruction from the kitchen counter. Waited.

Unctuous goop again dripped from the sides of the machine. I lifted the lid after a few minutes. White pale weird waffle, like a ghost waffle. Closed the lid. Peeked again after another couple of minutes. White pale weird haunted waffle that would not cook to a yummy waffle finish. Tried to remove spooky waffle, and it fell apart into miniscule, sticky waffle confetti. Crumbs everywhere. Ick all over the counter. Tasted a corner of the waffle and it reminded me of sweaty athletic socks, only slimier. Pried slimy Japanese horror movie waffle out of waffle iron. Put iron plates in the dishwater. Threw away remaining waffle batter. Power washed the entire kitchen to get rid of gritty batter remnants.

Hey, look at the vegetable oil. It has a Best Before date stamped right on the front. And what is that date? 4/11/10. I don't use a lot of oil. It's 7/8 of the way full.

Threw wasted, rancid oil in the trash. Scrubbed nasty waffle grit out of kitchen sink. Put waffle machine/magic sandwich cooker back under the sink. Microwaved some vegetable egg rolls.

Time spent preparing and cleaning up waffles: 65 minutes
Actual waffles eaten: 0
Waffles won this one.


  1. Now I want waffles! I think I'll go out for them.

  2. This is the exact reason I buy frozen waffles!

  3. Haha! Awww MAB. I know what you mean abou tthe pale ghost waffle. That's always a weird one :D I hope your egg rolls were lovely.

  4. great story! sorry you didn't get your waffle....
    *passes out waffles and Bacon!*