Friday, November 6, 2009

Home cooking, MAB style!

Fall is upon us, and it's time for a hearty home recipe from MAB. So, tonight, I thought I would let you in on my secret to making pancakes. My mom brought me homemade, organic syrup back from her vacation. The bottle is shaped like a maple leaf, and that was my inspiration for whipping up a wonderful pancake dinner. Here are my easy to follow steps.
1. Dig out your magic pancake pan, kind of like an omlette pan without the divider thingie in the middle. It has an attached, hinged lid, and the bottom has a deeper well. I think well is the right word here. It's Teflon coated, and is supposed to make large, effortless, yummy pancakes because you can flip them right in the pan. Magic!
2. Dig out your pancake mix. I had pancake mix that I bought at Big Lots. Tricky stuff, as it had no measuring info on the back, unless you want to make the whole box. I don't want to make the whole box. I'm just adding water, so I wing it, and mix up a random amount in a bowl. How hard can it be?
3. Spray the pan with nonstick spray, because you can't be too careful, right? Heat up the pan on the stove.
4. Pour in the first glob of batter for the first pancake. Realize that the batter is way too thick. Allow it to cook until it smells sort of burny. Close the lid and flip it over the sink, so that the batter spatter (fun to say) goes into the sink. Allow the other side to cook for a random amount of time.
5. Open the lid and realize that part of the top has stuck to the lid. Also, the center is raw. The edges are a nice crunchy brown. Use a plastic spatula to slide the defective pancake onto a plate. Scrape the stuck crap off the top lid.
6. Add more water to the remaining batter. Spray the pan again. Remain optimistic. People make pancakes every day. It's not like you're attempting cold fusion in a coffee mug here.
7. Warm the pan a bit again on the stove. Fill the bottom with batter. Watch the pancake bubble nicely. That's because it's pretty much boiling, because it's 80% water. You have added too much water. Curse.
8. Flip the pan over the sink. Watch in amazement as batter flies freaking everywhere--all over the sink, all over the counter, in your hair, and on the floor. Curse some more.
9. Put the pan on the stove. Begin to clean up some of the collateral damage. Note a strange pungent singeing smell. The batter has run out of the pan and onto the burner. Be amazed at the thickness of the smoke that can come from burning pancake batter.
10. Snatch the pan off of the burner. Open the pan to find a burnt black pancake the thickness of a Hallmark greeting card. Put it on top of the half-raw first pancake on the plate. Throw the pan into the dishwater in disgust.
11. Open the window to air out the smoke.
12. Stare at the pancakes, realizing that you cannot pour expensive, yummy, handmade syrup in a fabulous maple leaf shaped bottle onto these pucks of misery. Get the cheap syrup out of the fridge and squirt it on.
13. Abandon the destroyed kitchen.
14. Eat three small bites of the pancakes. Understand that no one could eat more than three bites of these pancakes. Any more than that would kill any joy you might have for life.
15. Throw the pancakes away.
16. Wash dishes. Hose down kitchen. Scrape burnt, coal-like batter matter (fun to say) off of the burner and burner pan. Shower to remove batter from hair. Curse intermittently throughout these actions.
17. Eat Munchos and Swiss cheese for dinner.
18. Despise the cute tiny bottle of syrup for provoking this entire futile exercise.


  1. ha! this is why i leave the cooking to The Boy.

    also, Big Lots sells food?!?!

  2. I've been told by my friends who have heard this story that the most embarassing part is that I bought edibles at Big Lots. But sometimes I find interesting stuff there! Just check the back of the box for directions.