Why I watch award shows, the baaaaad. . .

As I said in my previous post, these were some tediously long, soul crushing Oscars, with very little wit or light-heartedness. So, when Ben Stiller came out in full Avatar makeup and tail, and started speaking the language of the blue people, I cracked up and came back to near consciousness.

Charlize Theron in Dior Couture

I am not one to OMG. But, OMG, pastel roses are eating Charlize's boobies!

Diane Kruger in Chanel Couture

This is one of those instances where a dress doesn't translate from runway to real life. It's an interesting dress, with the textures and the halter cut top. Interesting, but ugly. And vaguely reminscent of float building for Homecoming in high school, where you smooshed tissue paper squares into chicken wire.

Kristen Stewart in Monique Lhuillier

You know what? This is a gorgeous navy dress, and she wears it pretty well. Unfortunately, she spent the entire time on the red carpet acting like she'd rather be anywhere but there. Not a single smile, not a shred of excitement or enthusiasm. Sad.

Amanda Seyfried in Versace

Dude, that is a lot of dress for a petite blonde girl! For the rest of my take on this, please see J-Lo below. They were essentially wearing the same dress in a slightly different color with minimal variations. The good news is their floof explosions were on opposing sides, so, if you had both of them, you could use them as bookends! I'll bet J-Pez wasn't happy that this chick was wearing her mirrored twin garment, either.

J-Lo in Armani

Okay, people seem to love this dress on her, but it's way too much. It looks like dotted swiss fabric mated with bubble wrap and had a mutant floof-sided baby. Maybe if you took off the floof? Her hair and makeup is beautiful. She is beautiful. This dress is tragic.

Miley Cyrus in Jenny Packham

Miley said she wanted to go all Marilyn Monroe-esque. First off, child, stand up straight. Are you afraid your boobs are going to bust out if you straighten your shoulders? Second of all, the dress has a very 1980's weird drop waist. Third of all, she's what, 17? And she always looks twice her age. She looks older than Demi Moore did! Why? But the bracelet is fabtastic.

Maggie Gyllenhaal in Dries Van Noten

This is a handpanted dress. Just like that handpainted stoner van with the bubble window from 1975. Aloha, man. Wanna buy a nickel bag?

Zoe Saldana in Givenchy
My initial reaction to this was "raspberry cupcake topped with spangled disco boob bandage." I would like to ammend that now to add "pom poms are never a good thing, unless you're a Muppet or a cheerleader."