Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Why I watch awards shows, the bad

Let's pause for a moment and look at the loveliness that is Johnny Depp. Yes, he wasn't wearing a tie and he had disheveled hair. Yes, I'm furthering a double standard here by not calling him on it. But he's Johnny Depp, and he's delicious, and I've had a crush on him since 21 Jump Street. I wanted to spend a quiet moment with him before we plumb the depths of what's to come. Yum. Johnny Depp.
Okay, shake off that warm feeling. It's time to plumb.
January Jones in Versace
Okay, I'm torn here. Half of me thinks she's a frightening, befringed cyborg mutant fembot from the future who has come here to wipe out the human race so her kind can take over. The other half of me loves her for just that reason. What do you think?

Michelle Williams in Valentino
Who knew daisies could get depressed?

Julianne Moore in Lanvin
Oh, damn. I love Julianne Moore, but this is just a disaster on eighty-seven levels. That weird giant sleeve that's attacking her head, the neon rollerblade pink, the way the satin wrinkled in the Prius on the ride over. I flinched when I saw this. You can't see it in this photo, but the sleeve-collar-goiter has actually eaten half of her diamond encrusted necklace, too. Tragic.

Jennifer Lopez in Zuhair Murad
Ponch-no! This looks like something Eva Gabor would wear while burning toast on Green Acres. Many have raved about it, but I don't get it. It's probably me. Plus, she had on silver eyeshadow. If you're going to go drag queen, go full out drag queen.

Leighton Meester in Burberry
Eeeeeeeeeek! Burberry is designing gowns for polygamist religious sects! Out of bedspreads from 1978!

Jennifer Love Hewitt in Romona Keveza
Why does J-Love always look like a bridesmaid? Or a prom queen runner up? I'd even give her a pass on the dress if her hair didn't look like she had it done at Nancy's Bridal Salon over on Kitteridge Road.

Megan Fox in Armani Prive
Yes, Megan Fox. You are a sex bomb. I get it. This dress appeared to be made of interwoven bedazzled Ace bandages. And, as Michael Kors would say, with that slit, you could see what she had for breakfast.

Lea Michelle in Oscar de la Renta
This was an odd one. Again, I really like Lea Michelle, but this dress was just huge and heavy. I saw photos of the gown at the de la Renta show, and the ruffles were a lot more structural and stiff. I'd imagine that this one didn't travel very well and wilted. Plus, she had to manuever it and hold parts of it up and down and sideways. Way too much work for a look that doesn't flatter her. She's a petite little thing, and this just looks like she's being attacked by strawberry marshmallow fluff.

Hallie Berry in Nina Ricci
Hello, Hallie! I dreamed I was Catwoman in my Maidenform bra!

Sandra Bullock in Jenny Packham
She just looks sad and defeated. That hair and that dress in no way relate to each other. Apparently, her hair kept catching on the beading of her gown. I love dramatic bangs, but not here. Compare it to her Oscar look from last year. The gown is similar to Scarlett Johansson's, only Scarlett owned it, and Sandra looks like a morose emo teen playing dress up against her will. Kind of interesting, considering all of the gossip surrounding Sandra and Scarlett's estranged husband.

Helena Bonham Carter in Vivienne Westwood
Yay! Yes yes yes! I love me some Helena Bonham Carter! Doesn't she look like Edina from Absolutely Fabulous? Okay, this is awful. The dress is weird and doesn't fit, her hair is out of control and looks like my hair when I first get out of bed in the high humidity in July, and she's wearing one red shoe and one green shoe! Yes, she is! I kind of love it because I expect her to spill a martini on me and call me sweetie darling. Maybe she should have gone with Lacroix instead? Lacroix, darling.


  1. Laura, you are too funny :)

    I have to say, I love Helena Bonham Carter, purely because she knew what she was doing and was just having fun, the rest were quite seriously trying to look good and failed.

    Johnny Depp on the other hand, well what can ya say, he is the most gorgeous man on the planet!

    Have a lovely day, drooling, :) T.

  2. I cannot imagine Johnny looking bad in anything--even in those PJs he wore in The Tourist. The ones that made him look pudgy. I didn't care. He always looks great to me. (My crush started at 21 Jump Street as well.)

    The rest, OMG--so bad! Especially the Versace nightmare on January Jones!

  3. Johnny Depp can go to these things in dirty jeans and a t-shirt and still be lucious!!!! Helena Bonham Carter is expected to look bizarre so that was acceptable to me. You picked out all the horrible gowns! I love it! Michelle Williams is such a pretty girl and that dress was so horrible! I still like Lea Michele's....not sure why. ~Val