Why I watch award shows, the good

Anne Hathaway in Oscar de la Renta

So, the Oscars were Sunday night, and some people won some awards. A lot of them were English or Scottish or something. I was watching for the dresses, you know. And the jewelry. And James Franco. I thought James and Anne did a nice job, although I may be in the minority there. I don't know much about Anne, because she doesn't make the kinds of movies that I usually watch, but she was an absolute doll throughout the show, and the girl wore some serious high fashion. James is just cute, and seemed a bit sleepy.

Trends were purples and reds and metallics. Also bob haircuts.

Can these women please put on a couple of necklaces? Seriously? I'm trying to sell some jewelry here.

Helen Mirren in Vivienne Westwood
Dame Helen pulls it off again. This woman is sixty-five years old, and she is smoking hot. Great color on her, her hair is perfect, and she is indeed wearing a necklace. An incredibly sparkly, gorgeous, diamond studded necklace. Thank you, Dame Helen.

Hailee Steinfeld in Marchessa
At the opposite end of the age spectrum, Hailee is fourteen years old, and absolutely adorable. The Gossip Girl headband is, in fact, from Fred Leighton and diamond studded. Take that, Blair Waldorf! The perfect Red Carpet look for a fourteen year old, right?

Michelle Williams in Chanel
Remember how she wore that wacky daisy dress to the Golden Globes? Bad. This look was incredible on her. She looks like a sparkly crocus, with that sweet pixie cut. There were a lot of these little cap sleeves on the Red Carpet last night. Not sure about the whole cap sleeve movement, although it does work here.

Helena Bonham Carter in Colleen Atwood
Oh, Helena, my love, this is fantastic. Colleen Atwood was the costume designer for Alice in Wonderland, and she made the dress for Helena for the Oscars. Helena said that she wears what she wants to wear, and basically doesn't give a damn if you like it or not. And that purse that looks like a fan? WANT!

Reese Witherspoon in Armani
She looks like Oscar Barbie Limited Collector's Edition 2011. I love that.

Hillary Swank in Gucci
Okay, I don't usually like what Hillary wears, because it's often not complimentary to her killer body. I usually don't like feathers either. This dress, with the ombre effect, is absolutely gorgeous, and it moved like a dream.

Jennifer Lawrence in Calvin Klein
Probably the simplest look on the Red Carpet, and the girl knocked it out of the park. Beautifully fitted, amazing color on her, gorgeous natural hair. Yum.

Natalie Portman in Rodarte
Okay, imagine this: You're seven and a half months pregnant, up for an Oscar that you're most likely going to win, and you've picked out your Oscar dress from Christian Dior. You're also Jewish. A couple of days before the Oscars, the man who designed your dress (John Galiano) is fired from Dior because he is caught on tape spewing really nasty anti-semitic slurs at people. What do you do? If you're Natalie, you get this gorgeous, rich, purple gown from Rodarte, the house that designed the costumes for Black Swan. You win the Oscar. You are gracious and glowing and happy. And glad that award season is over, so you can go home and take off those damn heels.

Halle Berry in Marchessa
Halle Berry may be the most gorgeous woman on Earth. This is poofier than I usually love, but she is so glowing and gorgeous, and her hair is amazing. I wish she'd worn a necklace.

Cate Blanchett in Givenchy couture
Best. Dress. Ever.
That is all.
It just is.

Stay tuned for the flip side, people!