Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Why I watch award shows, the bad

Robert Downey, Jr. wasn't even at the Emmys.
I just wanted to look at him for a moment before we wade through the not so great looks.
Take a moment, center yourself, stare at RDJ. . . Breathe in, breathe out. . .
January Jones in Versace Atelier
Some dresses were never meant to leave the runway in their original state. This is one of those dresses. I can appreciate the beauty of Versace's design, but not the reality of this gown on January Jones' body. The dress is stiff and architectural, and she looked so uncomfortable trying to move in it, and, honestly, too thin for such a heavily designed piece. It looked like the dress was devouring her. "The Dress That Ate January." The bodice was kinda cyborg, and the high-low bottom was kinda saloon girl. Her hair was beachy and undone in a "downdo." And the shoes were a question mark. Nothing made sense. And how in the world would you ever sit down in that? Seriously?

Carrie Preston in Makoto Takada

From the top: Scary, tri-colored neon weave hair in a badly constructed updo. Weird side-boob-cleavage action. Crazy horse blanket print with shade that exactly matches main color in scary, tri-colored updo. Strange, teal dress underlayer with shapeless filmy train. Wonky fit. And semi-nude shoe that neither matches nor compliments anything else. On the upside, she's married, I believe, to Michael Emerson who played Ben Linus on Lost and is an amazing actor.

Keri Russell in vintage Jean Louis Scherrer

Aging Solid Gold dancer remembering her solo performance to an Oliva Newton John song in 1982.
That was harsh. But true. Sorry.
Lauren Graham in Yigal Azrouel

Maybe I'm not fashion groovy enough to understand this dress, because I certainly do not understand this dress at all. The white blouson bit looks like it was stapled on at the last moment with no thought to whatever might be under it. The bottom from the waistband down looks like a pantsuit, and not in a good way, in a Golden Girls way. The black shoulder bit falls into some sort of flourish poof. Ugh. Plus, she has on every piece of jewelry she could find. I count seven pieces of fairly substantial jewelry, updo wisp tendrils and an unfathomable lobster bib blob. Too too much.

Emily Blunt in Christian Dior

Let's start with the positives, shall we? Emily had the most incredible diamond-encrusted hair ornament in her updo that I have ever seen. She's a fashion girl, but this dress let her down. The pastel lilac and basic design are kind of meh, but then there are tentacle-looking bits draping around her, waiting to tighten, crush her major organs and kill her! These swirls have the oddest circular bits of organza that reminded me of suction cups. Glamour and suction cups are usually mutually exclusive, right?

Christina Hendricks in Zac Posen

This is just unfortunate. Christina is smoking hot sexy, and this dress fails her on every single level. The dress' shade is not good for her coloring. The cut on the bust and waist are odd and unflattering. Trust me, I believe in flaunting what your mama gave you, but this is not the way. And the feather floofs make it borderline Muppety. Christian Siriano has dressed her previously, and better. Bad choice for a great curvy body. However, I love love love Christina's hair, don't you?

Kate Gosselin in Carmen Mark Valvo

Look, I know that cowls are making a comeback. Let this be a testimony as to why they are not a good idea if you wear anything over an A cup. A cowl forms a boob shelf, which you can then use to display your thimble collection and other tchotchkes. Also, I have a passionate and intese dislike for this woman for no real reason, and I know I'm not alone in that. At least she got rid of the chicken butt haircut. Now she's rocking the Hillary Clinton!

Padma Lakshmi in Carolina Herrera

Oh, Padma, object of my most serious girl crush. She went with the midnight navy blue trend in this fairly simple gown. But then she added her own ethnic inspired, very heavy necklace. Don't get me wrong, Padma has designed some lovely jewelry, and she is one hot little pepper, but this combination is so wrong. Her hair looks undone (maybe it's an "undo")?, the jewelry and the dress don't relate, and even her shoes are prom ankle strap weird. She looks better in jeans and a tank on Top Chef.

Heidi Klum in Marchesa

It pains me to call Heidi badly dressed, because she is one of the most beautiful women on the planet, and because she and Seal are always so clearly and sweetly in love on the Red Carpet. However, she took this Marchesa dress and had it shortened a good five inches, so we can almost see her. . . tootie. Yes, her legs are works of art, but remember what Nina Garcia said on Project Runway: "Short, shiny and tight are the quickest ways to make a garment look cheap." But isn't that Lorraine Schwartz necklace to die for? I wonder if there were matching, jewel-encrusted garters?

Rita Wilson in Prada

Holy Christmastide, kids! You know those blanket icicle lights that you can throw over your shrubberies during the holiday season for easy outdoor decorating? Yeah, it's like that. This look was shown on the runway with just a bra and undies, but Rita wisely added an entire white shift underneath, so at least she wasn't flashing Underoos. However. . . I have nothing good to say here. She looks ridiculous and thick, and she is a lovely, intelligent lady who usually dresses well, if safely. I feel bad for her, actually, because this is beyond bad to tragic. Didn't Tom Hanks notice? Didn't anyone notice? Did someone style this for her? What happened here? Wait, look at Tom's face in the photo, like he just saw the dress on his wife for the first time, and is thinking, "What the. . . ?" She is a grown woman with decent vision, and she's wearing something that looks like it should blink in time to Jingle Bells. Wow.

I kinda love the high end bedazzled stripper shoes, though. But only if I caught them on clearance at the Discount Shoe Barn.


  1. Well I'll start at the top and just thank you for that awesome photo of RDJ. Nothing makes a day better than a quick shot of hunkiness.
    As for the rest, umm...agree, agree, agree, WTF?,agree, nice knockers (didn't even see the dress), oh dear, agree, agree, holy christmas clearance Batman-what happened here?

  2. LOL! You are always so funny! Those chandelier shoes on Rita were just the worst!