OMGTV! Dark Shadows

Dark Shadows was a daily gothic romance horror soap opera that ran from 1966-1971. Love, scandal, vampires, werewolves, rich people, drafty old houses, family drama, elaborate hairdos, annoying child actors, ghosts, trips through time. . . Dark Shadows had it all. It's amazingly campy, and amazingly addictive. Now on DVD, and available through Netflix, it's a great way to spend the summer. While it's blisteringly hot outside, you can escape into the cool and shadowy haunted hallways of Collinwood. With over a thousand episodes, this could take you well through September.

But, if a tall dark-haired man who only appears after sunset tries to give you an antique music box, it's best to say no.

TV! Sister Wives

Okay, I know I'm a little late to the show for this one, because it has been on for a year. I was making jewelry Sunday, and TLC was showing reruns of Sister Wives, so I ended up watching several episodes. The reality show follows Kody Brown and his four wives and many children in their daily lives. Kody is a Mormon who believes in polygamist relationships, which have a long history in the Mormon faith. Yes, these relationships are illegal, and Kody and his family agreed to do a TV show about essentially breaking the law.

I have to admit that before I watched the show, the idea of the multiple wife situation skeeved me out, and I had a negative opinion of Kody and his family. However, after watching a few episodes, I realized that all of the Browns, including the children, are fairly happy. Yes, there are some issues with jealousy, some issues with the kids, but any family has some issues. The Browns' issues really don't seem out of line.

The kids have multiple adult caretakers who are close to them and nurturing. The wives have each other to lean on. Kody seems to genuinely care for each individual and the family as a whole entity. Like I said earlier, this practice has longtime religious roots.

I guess what it comes down to is this: Who am I to judge these people and how they live and who they love? Why is this a legal issue? Why is it any of my business, in a moral sense? If they are happy and in no way harming one another or anyone else, why is this anyone's business at all? Yeah, I know it's because they're on television, but beyond that?

My big question is, how can they afford to house and feed that many people? My goodness. And what happens when you seriously need quiet time? And how would you ever set up a successful morning bathroom schedule?

TV! The Killing on AMC

I have to admit that I've never watched an AMC series. Not Mad Men. Not Breaking Bad. I watched one episode of The Walking Dead, and never went back to it. I'm not a faithful TV person. There are very few shows that I fall in love with enough to watch them weekly. If I can get them later on DVD, and watch them in a crazy marathon, that works better for me. The last dramatic series that I watched faithfully was Lost.

But I love AMC's The Killing. It's the story of the murder of a Seattle high school girl, the effects of that killing on her family, friends and community, and the two police detectives investigating the case. It has a fantastic ensemble cast, is nicely written, and beautifully shot. For me, the show has several high points.

1. In most TV crime shows, a murder happens, you see the family for maybe two minutes, and then the detectives run all over town talking to possible perpetrators. The Killing shows you exactly what this kind of crime does to the family that is left behind. Michelle Forbes, the actress who plays the murdered girl's mother, is absolutely amazing week after week. Even when the show seems either slow or overly convuluted, the parts of the story focusing on the family are always so sincerely sad that they bring tears to my eyes.

2. Joel Kinnaman is the actor who plays Holder, one of the lead detectives on the case. The show is supposed to be about his partner, Sarah Linden, but I have fallen in love with Joel Kinnaman as the slightly scuzzy ex-narcotics officer with a thing for gray hooded sweatshirts. Kinnaman is actually a Swedish actor, hailing from Stockholm. I would love to see more of him. No, not like that--in movies, TV. . . more of him.

3. The story here is building across thirteen episodes, each one of them capturing a day in the investigation. This allows the plot to build slowly, the characters to develop different dimensions until they become fully realized, and a lot of rain to fall in Seattle. Does it really rain this much in Seattle? I mean, I love gray days, but it looks like they need to travel by canoe there if it rains this constantly.

The series is based on a Danish series of the same name. The original is not available on Netflix, but I would love to see it. The AMC version is currently in week eight. I hope someone else out there is tuning in, because it's unusually good TV. Catch it on Sunday nights, on AMC, at ten p.m. I'm sure, when it's over, they'll run it in a big long crazy marathon, if you've missed it up to this point. Worth investing thirteen hours in.

The absolute insanity of Extreme Couponing

Have you guys seen this show on TLC? I kinda came across it over the weekend, and thought it might be interesting to see how people save such impressive amounts of money using coupons. Then, I became afraid, very afraid. Why, you may ask? Lemmee break it down.
1. One lady bought 63 bottles of French's mustard. How long will it take her to actually use 63 bottles of French's mustard?
2. It took another lady over two hours just to check out. Can you imagine being behind her in line? I can't stand to be in a grocery store for two hours total, much less just checking out.
3. One lady spends six hours a day--A DAY--working on her coupons and shopping plans. Six hours. A day.
4. Yes, they buy a thousand dollars worth of groceries of eight cents, but they buy huge quantities of the same thing, so much so that I don't even see how it is practical.
5. All of these people have giant store rooms full of the stuff they have bought. Seventy bottles of laundry detergent. 120 bottles of body wash. And the 63 mustard lady. It frightened me. They have grocery stores in their basements, essentially.

In conclusion, I respect these people for saving money at the grocery. However, I think there are some serious hoarding tendencies here. Very detailed, organized, intimidating hoarding. More stuff than they can use before it goes bad. Rows and shelves and baskets of stuff. Is that really thrifty or practical?

63 bottles of mustard.

Wow.

Super Bowl Fashion Wrap Up

Okay, as a fairly new football fan, I have to ask the teams a huge favor: You can't both wear uniforms that are predominantly yellow. It confuses me during the game. You both become Team Yellow Pants. Yellow is not flattering on everyone, especially yellow spandex. Try a nice royal blue or red. Also, black is always slimming. Maybe a print?! Football uniforms could use more prints! Paisley! Herringbone! Something Pucci-esque!

Christina, my love, you are a fantastic singer, but I have two tips for you:
You need to hire a new stylist, because in the past year, what you're doing isn't working.
If you're going to sing The Star Spangled Banner at the most important sports event of the year, please make sure you have all the words memorized.


You know what, I just don't get The Black Eyed Peas--not music-wise, not fashion-wise. Every song they performed sounded like it came from an iPhone commercial, and Tron couture is never the way to go.

Personal hero: Tabatha Coffey

Tabatha Coffey is a New Jersey-based hairstylist who hosts the Bravo TV show Tabatha Coffey's Salon Takeover. On each episode, she comes into a struggling salon and makes changes in the staff and facility to make the salon a success.

Why is she a hero? Lots of reasons.

1. She is good at what she does, loves what she does, and is a huge success at what she does. She is an artist who is passionate about her art and makes a great living practicing that art. Isn't that the definition of a happy life?

2. She knows how to make a business a success, and devotes part of her life sharing that knowledge, not just on the show, but at additional hair shows and events. She shares her success with others in her field. Another definiton of a happy life.

3. She's not afraid to speak her mind, and she knows what she's talking about when she does that. If something isn't working, she will tell you why. Then she'll tell you how to fix it. Often with fantastically quotable one liners.

4. She inspires me to be a better business owner. It's one thing to truly love what you do, but quite another to build a profitable business from it. I admit that sometimes I forget the profit side of the books, and just buy beads and make stuff. I never thought I'd find such practical inspiration from a reality TV character.

Check out her show on Monday nights on Bravo. Let me know what you think. My New Year's resolution is to be more like Tabatha!

On the bipolar nature of holiday advertising

Remember back to this time last week? When we were racing up on the fantastic, over the top explosion of cookies and presents that is Christmas? The television was telling us to spend money, and wrap up a Lexus in a big red bow! We needed huge TVs and battery-devouring toys and glittery lipgloss and possibly stuff we didn't even know about. We needed cakes and pies and cookies and hams and chip dips and a giant buffet of carbohydrates! It was time to spend and eat and make merry and spread the love, all wrapped up in foil paper! The commercials were screaming with capitalistic joy and refined sugar!

Yeah, well that's all over now. Those decadent commercials have been replaced with these not so joyful and merry ads: Debt consolidation. Jenny Craig. Gym memberships. Chantix. Is your New Year's resolution to lose a hundred pounds and stop those collection calls? Sigh.

I have whiplash over this sudden switcheroo. I haven't even gotten the ribbon off my Lexus yet. There are still Christmas cookies in the kitchen. I'm not ready for New Year's resolution reality. Can't we stay in the dessert line for a couple more days?

TV! Glee, why I love Brittany S. Pierce

I am terribly late to the Glee party, and honestly just started watching this year. I caught last season on DVD, and, I have to say, the best character going is Brittany, the wonderfully dopey, existential Cheerio. Why? Because, after the fiendishly brilliant Sue Sylvester, Brittany always gets the best lines. Here are some of her gems:

"I've been here since first period. I had a cold, and I took all my antibiotics at the same time, and now I don't know how to leave."

"When I pulled my hamstring, I went to a mysogynist."

"I'm pretty sure my cat's been reading my diary."

"Sometimes I forget my middle name."

"Did you know that dolphins are just gay sharks?"

"I'm pretty sure Dr. Pepper was a dentist."

"This room looks like that one spaceship where I was probed."

"Now I know what Miley feels like."

"I hope you all respect that I want Glee Club to remain a place where I, Brittany S. Pierce, can escape the torment of Brittney Spears."

"People thought I went on vacation, but I actually spent the summer lost in the sewers."

"If we lose, we should throw opossums."

"Remember, even the smallest envelope is heavy for an elf."
I've known girls like her. Haven't you?

TV! The Fashion Show

I'm enjoying this show, if for no other reason that it gives me the opportunity to post a picture of Iman in a fabulous fur vest standing next to a flayed open human body.

So, this week, the designtestants had to create garments inspired by the travelling exhibition of The Body. This show was installed at a local museum, and there was much uproar over it because it consists of actual human cadavers. My mom was incensed.

Anyway, the designs were mostly good, some wacky dude in a hat quit and left, and Calvin, pictured here, proved again to be the most colorful character on the show. The Fashion Show doesn't quite measure up to early Project Runway, but it's certainly as good as anything PR has cranked out in the past few seasons, since it moved to Lifetime. Worth watching for great Iman quotes alone: "That dress has more tricks than a hooker."

TV! The Fashion Show

The Fashion Show: The Ultimate Collection premiered on Bravo Tuesday night at ten. It's worth a watch, because it has wacky people making fashion under ridiculous time constraints, to be judged by a model, a designer, a fashion magazine editor, and some other random people. In other words, it's a lot like Project Runway, only without Tim. Here's the good and bad breakdown for you.

The Good

1. Iman--Seriously, she's 55 years old? Wow. And she has some great one-liners. The fellows over at the TLo blog have suggested tacking on ". . . or I will kill you" to the end of everything she says, and that does make the show better.

2. Isaac Mizrahi--I love Isaac, I can't help it.

3. The designtestants have been separated into two teams, or "fashion houses," for the duration of the show. As we've seen on Project Runway, team challenges equal instant drama. A whole season of team challenges equal a whole season of ridiculous drama.

4. There is one designer on the show who is just hysterically over the top evil. He almost got cut this week though, but his lack of fluent English makes him pretty funny to watch.

The Bad

1. Iman--She's beautiful and prickly, but sometimes it's almost like a drag queen playing Iman.

2. Isaac Mizrahi--I love Isaac, I can't help it, but he is no Tim Gunn.

3. The designtestants have been divided into two teams for the duration of the show. While team challenges do equal drama, they most often to not equal great fashion. Either people fight and can't focus on what they're doing, or they don't fight and everything they design is watered down for the purpose of the group.

4. There is one designer who is over the top evil. There's also a pair of emotionally conjoined women, a guy who looks like Little Richard, and some dude who went on and on about Greenpeace people travelling from the future to the present to wear his 80s inspired clothes. . . or something. I don't know, I didn't see much that made me excited.

I might still have Project Runway hangover. But you know I'll be watching this.

Oh, yeah, the challenge this week was to make a dress for Iman, and some dude won for a perfectly executed dress that was elegant, flowing, and like a zillion dresses we have seen before.

TV! Project Runway

Okay, I've been putting this off for days, because I have never been so upset by a television show in my life. Gretchen won Project Runway. With brown handknit granny panties and slimy looking green leather. The argument was that her clothes are more sellable. Not more innovative. Not more creative. Not more interesting. Sellable. Like Kohl's misses department. In a sad sad town on the border of Despairville.

I could go on and on and on for paragraphs and paragraphs about the reasons for my disappointment. No point. Here's what it boils down to for me. After the show was over, I tried to remember each designer's collection. I could remember four of Andy's. I could remember every single one of Mondo's, each look. The only look of Gretchen's that I could remember was the blazer/granny panty/pimp hat look that we'd seen in the preview the week before. If I can't remember it, I don't want to wear it, and I sure as all heck do not want to pay designer prices for it. Or sale prices. Or ninety day deferred billing on QVC.

In keeping with the spirit of happy denial, let's look at Mondo's clothes. They make me smile.

You know why this works? The pairing of the different patterns. Plus, these are separates that you could actually wear in the real world. And that bag! WANT! And those shoes!

This look echoes the look before it cohesively. The shorts are rich and unexpected. You can't see the design on the shoulders of the blouse, but it's amazing!

Oh, my fab sugar skull tee from heaven. How I love you! You can buy a simplified version of this tee from Mondo's Etsy shop here. I'm still holding out for a version of the bag from the first look, though. The leggings are groovy.

This was his eleventh look from the week before, and the skirt is divine. He needed this pop of turquoise in the collection, and the pattern on the shirt cuffs is fab. And the shoes!

How sweet is this? This bubble dress in this print is fresh and young and exciting, especially paired with these tights. Love the yellow pop on the shoes, too, with the little pink belt.

This is one of his weaker looks in terms of design. It's a tank with a pair of shorts, but still cohesive and happy.

Seriously, who else could make plaid pants this hip? The pattern is exactly matched, and the model's legs look thirty feet long. Another fantastic tee! And that little jacket is yummy. You can take this look apart, and wear all of these pieces on their own, mixed in with things you already have. It's versatile, lively and beautifully made.

Okay, I have to admit that I don't dig this skirt. I get that it ties into the metallic shorts in look two, while the polka dot top echoes the final gown. The skirt fits badly, though, especially from a side view. Also, I'm not crazy about his necklace choices in some of these looks. That top is sweet, though.

See, I am objective.

LOVE! SERIOUSLY! YUM!

(not so objective)

And the gown that most likely cost him the show. Kors and Nina told Mondo in the preview the week before to change this dress and tone down his styling. Mondo loved this dress and his styling. He didn't change a thing.

This dress is wonderful, and I will likely remember it twenty years from now. Why? It has great visual impact and it's full of joy.

So, in my alternate universe, where things are as they ought to be, Mondo won.

Don't even get me started on politics this morning. . .

TV! Ghost Hunters

This is the flip side of Ghost Adventures, the show I wrote about yesterday. Ghost Hunters is on the SciFi channel (yes, SyFy, but I can't deal with SyFy, ick), and they also investigate haunted buildings all over the world, concentrating often on creaky prisons, cobwebbed filled asylums, and rickety rusty hospitals. However, I can take the Ghost Hunters a little more seriously. Why? What are the differences between the fellows from Ghost Hunters and the dudes from Ghost Adventures?

1. The Ghost Hunters are plumbers. Serious, blue collar plumbers with matching jackets. I find that comforting. They can fix your leaky faucet and hunt for your ghosts, all on one bill.

2. These guys are actually out to debunk ghost claims. They don't go into a situation assuming that there are spirits who are ready to fight them. They go into a situation looking for a rational explanation for whatever anomalies might appear. Sometimes, there are no rational explanations.

3. They don't use a lot of bizarro ghostly machines and gadgets that change the air into spirit voices or feed the ghosts electromagnetic Twinkies to get them all worked up.

4. They don't openly antagonize the ghosts until the ghosts whack them.

5. The Ghost Hunters very rarely refer to one another, or the ghosts for that matter, as "dude."

Seriously, this show can be interesting and believable. Usually, they're able to explain most of the weird things that occur. When they can't, though, it's a great moment. They came to Wright Patterson Air Force Base, just up the road from me, and something kept turning their flashlight off and on. Very cool.

Also, they're doing a live broadcast on Halloween, and you can watch along with a lot of worked up people online who see spooky spirit shadows and feel bad energy through their television screens. Well worth a watch. On SyyyyyyyyFyyyyyyyyyy.

TV! Ghost Adventures

Ghost Adventures is a show on the Travel Channel that features these three fearless ghost hunting dudes--Zak, Nick and Aaron--as they investigate allegedly haunted buildings all over the world, especially favoring creaky old prisons, asylums and hospitals. They research the hauntings, and then get locked down overnight with infra red cameras, and spooky special ghost voice recorders, and EMF stuff, and other specialized gadgets.

Okay, I have to say that this show entertains the stuffing out of me. Why? Because these guys crack me up. I know that's the wrong reaction, but I can't help it. They spend the majority of their time screaming, "Dude, did you see/hear that? Did you?!" Or "Dude, something totally just touched me!" Or "Dude, this magical ghost meter is reading off the charts for invisible ghostly presence stuff." Or "Dude, I'm gonna shout at this ghost and see if I can't make it mad enough to whack you." Or "Dude, I am totally possessed by the spirit of a crazy murderer right now, and I'm 'bout to get you back for drinking the last Bud Lite last night."

Look, I have no idea if ghosts exist or not, but this show is great comedy. The way these lads approach ghosts is hysterical, and, if I were a ghost, I would absolutely steal their beer and turn their magical ghost translation machines off and on in time to "We Will Rock You."

TV! Project Runway

This was the show before the finale, and, once again, the judges narrowed it to four fighting for three spots. So, we got the home visits, and the photo above shows Tim Gunn visiting Andy's catfish farm, screaming like a girl over a fish. It was also my favorite moment of the show, possibly the season. Tim Gunn, you sexy beast, you.

Anyway, the designtestants had to whip up one last minute look, and show two additional looks from their line. I'm going to show them ranked by how much I liked them, because this is my blog, and I can do whatever the heck I want.

1. Guess who? Yep, it's Mondo. This is a polka dotted evening gown. His inspiration is Latino culture, including Day of the Dead and circus inspirations. His clothes are so fresh, graphic and youthful, and you can see that he has fun creating them. There was a pink sugar skull handbag in this mini-collection that I wanted to reach through the TV screen and snatch. The man knows how to style, too, and deliver a total look. Seriously, if Mondo somehow doesn't win this season, Project Runway is hopelessly broken, and deserves to be deserted by all of us.

2. Andy. I'm basically giving Andy second place by default, and because he tried to get Tim Gunn to pet a catfish. This pleated green dress was the design he created at the last minute, and it really was the best thing he showed in his mini-collection. Also, not to spoil anything, but there are allegations buzzing around that he may have exactly copied designs from a Japanese pattern book for his final collection. Not cool. Still, I like this dress, the pleating his lovely, but overall he has some fit issues, and seems to be stuck on the shiny, tight and short thing a little too much.

3. Michael. This was also Michael's last minute design, and it moved beautifully on the runway. His three looks were a little overdesigned, in the Dynasty realm, and didn't break any fashion ground, really. At least they were interesting to look at and looked expensive. Michael was eliminated, and proceeded to have an absolute emotional meltdown on the runway. I felt terrible for the guy, even though a lot of other people thought he was (a) showing unprofessional weakness or (b) outright faking to get more camera time. His reaction made me emotional because it seemed like he had based his entire future success on being one of the final three. I'm a pushover. What can I say.

4. Gretchen. Okay, I have to confess something here, for the other three designers I picked my favorite looks. For Gretchen, I picked. . . this. I didn't like anything she showed, and found the other two designs blah, brown and rumpled. This look, however. . . yowzah! Where exactly am I wearing a rigid leather blazer over dyed Depends with a pimp hat? Golden Corral on Sunday morning? The judges criticized her for designing crunchy granola clothes, but this is just madness right here. No boho vegan hipster would wear this, would they? Who would wear this? And where? Who? What? Where? Why? AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

So, here is the MAB breakdown: Mondo has to win. There are rumors that he may not. If he doesn't, something terrible has happened to Project Runway. If he doesn't, I may go to the Lifetime corporate office and demand answers and a recount. Also, along with the final runway show this week, we get a reunion. Many of these people hate each other's guts, yay!

I have never seen so much drama from such middle of the road designers as we had this season. If they were all geniuses (like Mondo) and produced looks as fiery as their personalities, that would make for a great show. Instead. . . bah.

TV! Project Runway

Poor designtestants. They're always completely exhausted and out of gas when they hit this final challenge, and who can blame them? As a result, we usually end up with bizarrely uninspired clothing. The final challenge was to take inspiration from something in New York, and design a garment based on that inspiration. Although they didn't name a specific winner, Michael was definitely the judges' favorite for his. . . umm. . . gown here, based on The Statue of Liberty. Again, I have nothing against Michael, and he's certainly fed the spittoon of drama this season, but this gown is so unoriginal and there doesn't seem to be much design to it. Actually, it reminds me of a dress that Ginger used to wear on Gilligan's Island. It moved beautifully onstage, even if the slit was bordering on obscene. I just don't see it as all that praiseworthy.

The thing is, and I hate to be a conspiracy theorist, I think the producers know exactly who they want in the finals from about the third episode. We knew Mondo had a spot, because he's brilliantly creative and is consistently able to translate that creativity into gorgeous, well made clothing. We knew that Gretchen had a spot, because she started out strong so the judges love her, and she makes for great wacky reality television. Her design this week was a complete miss, inspired by bricks in New York, but it didn't really matter. Her spot was safe. That leaves us with Andy, Michael and April. They loved Michael's Ginger gown, Andy did a good job this week, so we lost April. Like Mondo, April has a very specific point of view--this dark, layered look with asymmetry and cutouts--that the judges have loved up until now. Their love ran out, though, and April went home. Very sad. But she's 21, and I'm sure she has a great career in front of her.

Once again, once again, once again--the final three are in fact the final four, and there will be some sort of design off this week to eliminate one more designer. I'm sure some of the designtestants will do a better job than others when left to their own devices. Sometimes, the most successful designers in terms of the challenges absolutely choke when designing on their own. Remember Michael Knight from Season Three?

My money and hope are still on Mondo for the win. Why? Because I love him and what he creates a little bit more with every episode. I can't wait to see Tim visit his home.

On political commercials

Look, I know this is an important election, but these nasty, scummy, mean hearted political commercials are starting to get on my last nerve.

May I present the script for my own political commercial, when I run for the imaginary Jewelry Senate? And I run against BAM Jewelry? Thanks for humoring me.

"BAM Jewelry has been in office for the past four years. BAM promised to bring lucrative Ohio jewelry and jewelry-making jobs and income to unemployed and unbedecked jewelry wearers and creators in Ohio.

Did that happen?

No.

BAM outsourced all of those jobs to China and Canada and possibly Guam.

BAM sacrificed cute baby llamas in their corporate boardroom on a daily basis.

BAM has loose morals, questionable hygiene, and bad taste in shoes.

BAM doesn't like tater tots and wants to steal your bacon.

BAM doesn't even WEAR jewelry.

BAM is a lying scuzzball and possibly a witch and/or demon.

BAM slept with Tiger Woods.

BAM listens to Justin Bieber and doesn't believe in fairies.

Another four years of BAM? Can that be good for Ohio?

I don't think so.

Vote MAB. She's groovy. I would say what she's going to do for you, but you don't really need to know that, right?

MAB for Jewelry Senate.

broughttoyoubythecommitteetoslanderBAMandelectMAB. Franklinthecatchairman.

Meow."

TV! Project Runway

First off, let me apologize for my sporadic posting lately. It seems like there are three thousand things going on all the time, and I never get here to blogspot. Boo.

Second off, can I ask a question? Do people start out crazy? Or do they go all psycho once the TV cameras hit them? Remember when the Brady kids went on a game show, and Jan froze every time the camera was on her? This week, we had a similar situation on Runway. The camera caused people to go insane.

Thirdly, this challenge was uber lame. Heidi Klum has an active wear line! It's high priced t-shirts and leggings for the active, despicably rich mama on the go! It's yoga clothing for the country club! It's gray and boxy and drab and blah.

Our exhausted designtestants had to design three looks each, using Heidi's existing fabrics, to fit into Heidi's line. Heidi came into the work room. Mondo got bitchy. Gretchen got bitchy. Eyes were rolled. Fabric was thrown. Heidi got that hard little face on that reminds me of the heartless predator faces of robins right before they cock their heads and pluck a worm out of the earth and chomp it.

Eliminated designers came back! Ivy accused Michael C. of cheating, sabotaging, and firing the shot at Archduke Ferdinand that started World War I. He may have also been on the grassy knoll in Dallas in 1963. Ivy looked like a bitter, angry little psychotic seamstress. Weird. Everyone got weird. Michael C. was more or less vindicated. Ugly clothes were made. Bah.

Above are your winning looks from Andy. It's all very Flashdance. Is this fashion?

And the most adorable Christopher went home. He seems like such a sweetheart, but it was his time. His garments look like Flashdance in need of Zoloft.
I want to see beautiful, colorful, astonishing garments! Yes, drama is fun, but I also want to be wowed. I want my socks knocked off. Not gym clothes. Not pajamas. Not sweatshirts.
Make it happen, Project Runway people!

TV! Project Runway

Yes, Lifetime and the producers flim-flammed us by showing us multiple previews promising shocking cheating allegations. We got no cheating. However, what we did get was the charisma, creativity and honesty of Mondo. This was the "create your own print" challenge that they did last year, and a lot of the designtestants had a lot of issues. Plus, for the first time ever, the designers' families came in for a visit, prompting tears and derailing. I'll admit, I got a little teary over the reunions, but not nearly as teary as I got over Mondo's story behind his print. There's something terribly wrong with a society that judges you based on who you're attracted to, isn't there? I have never understood it. Mondo's print with the plus sign design alludes to the fact that he has been HIV positive for ten years. He's kept this a secret, and no one in his family knew. It's amazing that medical science has progressed to the point where the symptoms of this disease can be checked and he can be healthy. Thank heavens for that. And it's amazing that he would have to keep this, and his sexuality, a secret from those who love him. I didn't think it was possible for me to love Mondo more, just like I never expected Project Runway to make me cry like I did. His design, and his strength of character, from this episode pretty much cement his inclusion in the final three, and deservedly so. And kudos to my friend Gini who picked him from the start.

After all of my glowing praise, I kind of hate to show you the losing garment from Valerie. It was a muddy, sort of sad, indistinct print, made into an almost exact replica of the napkin dress she designed earlier this season for the party shop merchandise challenge. Valerie is one of those contestants who seems to start out strong and then just gets worn down and worn out by the competition. I would be exactly the same way, except I would probably also be smacking people on my way out the door. Valerie is an interesting designer, but the show just snuffed out her candle. Good luck, super cute Cleveland chick.

Now. . . this week. . . we get cheating, right? Evil cheating, and Tim saying, "You won't be allowed to return to the show." You promised, Lifetime.

Top ten reasons why I can't be a contestant on Jeopardy

1. I would forget to phrase my answers in the form of a question. Like I was originally going to do this list with each entry in the form of the question, but I just can't.
2. The day I was on, the categories would be subjects like: Baseball, Women of the Old Testament, Bluegrass Musicians, European Geography, Cooking. . . and I would burst into tears.
3. The clicker and I would fight, and I would end up throwing it.
4. I'd look at my fellow contestants and say, "Seriously, dude. Why do you know that?"
5. When I get frustrated, I curse. A lot.
6. I would say, "Sure, Alex, you know the answer because it's written on that card in your pretentious little hand."
7. I might lapse into the Celebrity Jeopardy Sean Connery voice, and start reeling off the most ridiculous things.
8. Once I was losing badly, I would just start randomly buzzing in and yelling out the names of my friends, family and cats.
9. I would ask if I could phone a friend.
10. I'm much better at Wheel of Fortune.

TV! Project Runway

On last week's Project Runway, our designtestants had to make. . . something for some reason. . . Wait! They had to make a sort of avant garde garment based on a type of L'Oreal HIP eyeshadow for an "advertorial."

One moment whilst I rant about something totally unrelated. Words like "webinar" and "advertorial" cause me to lose my grammatical temper and break out in hives. Sure, I'm okay with "brunch" being a breakfast/lunch hybrid. But "advertorial"? No. No no and no. It's an ad. With ad copy. Trying to sell something. There's not really any torial to it. And if it's an avant garde outfit, would that make it an avantadvertorial?

So, Mondo won for the dress above, and it's pretty. . . Oh, wait again. There was a twist to the eyeshadowvertorial challenge. They had to make a ready to wear garment to go with the avant garde item. And they had to make it out of live sparrows, barbed wire and chewing gum. Okay, I made up that last part there.

Which again makes me think that they want these poor designers to churn out ugliness. This was the first challenge all season, I think, where they were given two days to accomplish something, and making a convincing avant garde outfit takes a bit of time, right? To then come in and add an additional look, made out of birds, fencing and gum at that, without giving them more time is just asking for disaster. And if you want disaster, look at this losing dress by Ivy. Ivy has to be one of the most unpleasant contestants ever on Project Runway. Her voice made me twitchy, and her superior attitude was most loathesome. However, I sympathize with all of them at this point, even if Ivy didn't use a single sparrow. She's been on borrowed time since the group challenge, when she made that sucky ensemble with the great grandma vest. I'm sure she'll be a big load of fun on the reunion show though.

In the previews for this week, someone is cheating?! Cheating I say. Good heavens, I hope it's Gretchen-Gretched. Did you see her dress last week? It's what Stevie Nicks will wear in the old person's home, when they go on a field trip to the Ren Faire.

Adventorial--an editorial about Advent! Bah!