Get your domestic on with MeAndMySewingMachine

My friend Gini has opened a fresh new Etsy shop, MeAndMySewingMachine, full of domestic goddess wear--the most fabulous aprons on earth. Here's her sexy little "Hotter than a pepper sprout" reversible cocktail apron.
And the retro pup cool of her "pampered pooches" half apron.

Dig this "rock tattoo" half apron! For the badass in you.

This coy little "corny picnic" apron is retro fab, with its ruffles and rickrack.

And this full "cherries jubilee" apron is classically ladylike.

Gini has a great eye for fabric, and everything she designs is perfectly made. It's time to fancy up your next dinner party or picnic, or pretty up your daily house happiness. The pocketed aprons would also be fantastic for craft shows, when you always need another pocket for money, pens, and other stuff.

Stop by Gini's bright and joyful shop. She's the hostess with the mostest.

MeAndMySewingMachine on Etsy.

Where's my foam?

*Disclaimer: This is a review of a product that I did not receive for free. I didn't even have a coupon. Sad. I'm not getting any reimbursement for my review of this product. I would like to be reimbursed, though.*

I always say that women's love of new cosmetics is proof of their eternal optimism. "This hair product will finally make my hair do what I want." "This mascara will give me big, beautiful Tyra eyes." "This concealer will keep me from looking like a racoon who lost a heavyweight title bout." And so on. We want to believe, even after we have bought a cartload of crappy stuff.

I bought the Samy Fat Foam hair color, because it came in a cool package and it foams! Foaming hair color! It's like cold fusion! New and exciting! Mess free! Easy to apply!

Okay. . . here is my story.

So, I opened up the box, and there's a big plastic shaker, a little twin packet of shampoo and conditioner, two bottles of stuff that you mix together, and a pair of gloves. Really nice gloves, all folded neatly into a plastic Ziploc bag. Two thoughts: "Am I making salad dressing or a cocktail here?" and "Wow, this is a lot of packaging. There goes my carbon footprint."

I read the directions. Put on the gloves. Mix Bottle A Liquid with Bottle B Powder like a mad scientist in the plastic shaker. Put the lid on and shakey shake it for thirty seconds. I counted, one Mississippi, two Sugar Plum Fairy, all the way up to 45 Mississippi, just to be sure I shook long enough.

I took the lid off the shakie thingie. Not foamy, no. More like. . . spit bubbles. Maybe this is as foamy as it's supposed to get?

I began to apply it with my hands to my head. Kind of like applying. . . chilli to your head. Thick chilli. Or possibly tapioca pudding. Not foam, but runny frothy goo. Said goo proceeded to run down my forehead, in my ears, across my cheek, down my neck to my back and right bosom, down my arms, and to splatter onto the bathroom wall and floor.

I used black hair dye, by the way. Remember the BP oil spill footage? Yeah, it kinda looked like that, and I was the pelican that got caught in the goop. Not to make light of the BP oil spill. I almost called FEMA for help.

So, I let it set for the recommended thirty minutes, while it dripped all down my torso, and oozed down my forehead with permanent blackness.

The good news? The dye isn't stinky at all. The color took really well and covered my roots perfectly. The color is also rich and dark and lovely. I thought it left my hair a little dry, but I can condition the heck out of it and make it happy again. Not with that little puck of conditioner they gave me in a foil packet, though.

The bad news? The color took really well and covered much of my skin perfectly. Think Eddie Munster with blob-shaped random grayish neck, back, arm and boob tattoos. It also took really well on my bathroom tile.

Final results? Never, ever again. Maybe if it had foamed like it does in the picture up there, all would have gone well. Not what happened in my trial run. And by run I mean, run all over the dang place.

Hi, did you miss me?

I'm sorry. I took the month of April off to prepare for the royal wedding. I had to get a passport, and have an appropriate dress and coat made, not to mention order a classically beautiful hat that wouldn't cause a lot of undo attention. A royal wedding is no place to wear a wacky topper that draws attention from the bride. This is the bride's day, and we should behave like the royals, and understand our place, and dress accordingly.

Oh, wait. According to Princess Beatrice, I can wear a large, flesh colored O with a fairy tale bow on it. And, according to Princess Eugenie, I can wear skintight Vivienne Westwood and a bespackled boat on my head. Lord, I love these girls. And I love Beatrice's Philip Treacy hat. I want that hat! I want to wear it to Wal-Mart on Sunday morning.

Also, I think we've all learned some important life lessons from Pippa, Cate's younger sister. First of all, I want to change my name to Pippa, because it just does not get anymore British than Pippa. Secondly, even if your sister is marrying the future monarch of England, and you get stuck carrying her train and dilly-dallying with tiny flower girls all day, you do it with great grace and charm and a ring of flowers on your head. No scowl will ever be caught on camera. You are a lady in waiting. No, really. That's her new job title: Lady in Waiting. I would have hissed at least once in the carriage.

Okay, in all honesty, I took April off from the blogosphere, because things got really busy, and I wasn't getting here as regularly as I would have liked. Sometimes, you have to give yourself a break, you know, and not try to do everything all the time. Someone should tell Victoria Beckham this, so that she would stop wearing eight inch platform heels in her third trimester. Man, the girl has some gams.

So, I'm back! What did I miss?

Spotlight on metroretrovintage

Vintage 1950's Reddy Kilowatt Electric Company mascot earrings

So, dear readers, I've been unrelentingly busy over the past couple of weeks, and my blog has been badly neglected. I've listed a ton of vintage jewelry in my GUSsupply shop on Etsy, and I've had a fantastic mentor in metroretrovintage, my kitten cousin. She knows everything about vintage treasures, and has come to my aid a hundred thousand times. That may be an overstatement, but it surely seems like a hundred thousand times.

Her Etsy shop is full of fantastic finds, and I thought it might be nice to make a killer stunning outfit from her listings!

Yes, I'm staring with Reddy Kilowatt earrings. Why? Because they are ultimately groovy.

Vintage 1930's-40's black bakelite bangle bracelets

Then, let's stack up these yummy bakelite bangles. Bakelite is delicious.

Vintage 1940's black felt sequin sculptural doll hat
We're going to need an appropriate hat.

Vintage 1940's black velvet swing opera wrap coat

And I have a weakness for opulet outerwear. Seriously, does it get any better than this velvet coat? I say, NO!

Vintage 1940's black crepe beaded cocktail dress and jacket

This frock should do the trick.

Victorian red bohemian garnet rose cut brooch
And the finishing touch, a sparkling pin. Our ability to accessorize is what differentiates us from the rest of the animal kingdom, you know.
Now, we are dressed to go to the grocery store. Huzzah!
Stop in and say hi to metroretrovintage on Etsy. She has great stuff, is full of fun, and knows the difference between bakelite and lucite. Plus, she's one of the sweetest kittens around.

Why I watch award shows, the bad

In completely unrelated to awards show news, what the heck is going on with Charlie Sheen? "I'm on a drug called Charlie Sheen. It would be lethal to anyone else!"

Okay, then.

Onto dresses.

Jennifer Hudson in Versace
She looks lovely, this dress is great on her skin and I love her. So why is she in the bad category? Cleavage issues. This dress is bad bad bad for her boobs. I saw at least two clips where she had to reach INTO the dress and reposition her tatas. That makes it a bad dress. Trust me!

Gwenyth Paltrow in Calvin Klein
A lot of people liked this look. She is so flat and her hair is so straight. The dress is linear, with the rectangular cut out. It's like a foil shower curtain. Blah.

Mila Kunis in Elie Saab
A lot of people liked this as well. The color is fresh, the dress is feminine, with some interest built in with the sheer layers, and the shoes are nice. Those peek-a-boo lace things on her boobs remind me of the decals you can put on your bathroom window to make it opaque. Or possibly bathtub stickies.

I seem to be having a cleavage fixation thus far, huh?

Marisa Tomei in vintage Charles James
It doesn't fit. The sweetheart top comes up too high. The color is too heavy, when paired with that asymmetrical poof. The way she's standing, it looks like this dress is actually causing her pain. I love vintage, especially fifties vintage. This one, not so much.

Scarlett Johansson in Dolce and Gabanna
Oh, Scarlett. You are so gorgeous. This lace looks like bad mobile home curtains. The two tone effect is very home dyed. And what happened to your hair? No.

Florence Welch in Valentino
Holly Hobby hits the henna.

Or. . .

I see dead redheads.

Amy Adams in L'Wren Scott
Cap sleeves gone bad! Again, heavy, too enclosed around her neck. The necklace is gorgeous--it's a carved emerald from Cartier. If we could take the scissors to the top half of this gown, cut out some space for skin, and lose those sleeves, we might just have something. It's kind of like a long, bedazzled mock turtleneck. And not in a good way.

Sharon Stone in Dior
Please see the photo below.

Sharon went to the Oscars as Patsy from AbFab! She should have worn Lacroix, darling.
Sweetie darling.

Nicole Kidman in Dior, with Keith Urban
Oh, bloody hell. It's an altar cloth origami dress with unfinished hair and an Aussie metrosexual husband with gratuitous highlights.

Did that sound bitchy?

Melissa Leo in Marc Bower

I love this woman, and congratulations to her for winning that supporting actress Oscar and being so genuine and human.

The dress is Evil Knievel tats lace while crashing through the Golden Arches.

Why I watch award shows, the good

Anne Hathaway in Oscar de la Renta

So, the Oscars were Sunday night, and some people won some awards. A lot of them were English or Scottish or something. I was watching for the dresses, you know. And the jewelry. And James Franco. I thought James and Anne did a nice job, although I may be in the minority there. I don't know much about Anne, because she doesn't make the kinds of movies that I usually watch, but she was an absolute doll throughout the show, and the girl wore some serious high fashion. James is just cute, and seemed a bit sleepy.

Trends were purples and reds and metallics. Also bob haircuts.

Can these women please put on a couple of necklaces? Seriously? I'm trying to sell some jewelry here.

Helen Mirren in Vivienne Westwood
Dame Helen pulls it off again. This woman is sixty-five years old, and she is smoking hot. Great color on her, her hair is perfect, and she is indeed wearing a necklace. An incredibly sparkly, gorgeous, diamond studded necklace. Thank you, Dame Helen.

Hailee Steinfeld in Marchessa
At the opposite end of the age spectrum, Hailee is fourteen years old, and absolutely adorable. The Gossip Girl headband is, in fact, from Fred Leighton and diamond studded. Take that, Blair Waldorf! The perfect Red Carpet look for a fourteen year old, right?

Michelle Williams in Chanel
Remember how she wore that wacky daisy dress to the Golden Globes? Bad. This look was incredible on her. She looks like a sparkly crocus, with that sweet pixie cut. There were a lot of these little cap sleeves on the Red Carpet last night. Not sure about the whole cap sleeve movement, although it does work here.

Helena Bonham Carter in Colleen Atwood
Oh, Helena, my love, this is fantastic. Colleen Atwood was the costume designer for Alice in Wonderland, and she made the dress for Helena for the Oscars. Helena said that she wears what she wants to wear, and basically doesn't give a damn if you like it or not. And that purse that looks like a fan? WANT!

Reese Witherspoon in Armani
She looks like Oscar Barbie Limited Collector's Edition 2011. I love that.

Hillary Swank in Gucci
Okay, I don't usually like what Hillary wears, because it's often not complimentary to her killer body. I usually don't like feathers either. This dress, with the ombre effect, is absolutely gorgeous, and it moved like a dream.

Jennifer Lawrence in Calvin Klein
Probably the simplest look on the Red Carpet, and the girl knocked it out of the park. Beautifully fitted, amazing color on her, gorgeous natural hair. Yum.

Natalie Portman in Rodarte
Okay, imagine this: You're seven and a half months pregnant, up for an Oscar that you're most likely going to win, and you've picked out your Oscar dress from Christian Dior. You're also Jewish. A couple of days before the Oscars, the man who designed your dress (John Galiano) is fired from Dior because he is caught on tape spewing really nasty anti-semitic slurs at people. What do you do? If you're Natalie, you get this gorgeous, rich, purple gown from Rodarte, the house that designed the costumes for Black Swan. You win the Oscar. You are gracious and glowing and happy. And glad that award season is over, so you can go home and take off those damn heels.

Halle Berry in Marchessa
Halle Berry may be the most gorgeous woman on Earth. This is poofier than I usually love, but she is so glowing and gorgeous, and her hair is amazing. I wish she'd worn a necklace.

Cate Blanchett in Givenchy couture
Best. Dress. Ever.
That is all.
It just is.

Stay tuned for the flip side, people!

Super Bowl Fashion Wrap Up

Okay, as a fairly new football fan, I have to ask the teams a huge favor: You can't both wear uniforms that are predominantly yellow. It confuses me during the game. You both become Team Yellow Pants. Yellow is not flattering on everyone, especially yellow spandex. Try a nice royal blue or red. Also, black is always slimming. Maybe a print?! Football uniforms could use more prints! Paisley! Herringbone! Something Pucci-esque!

Christina, my love, you are a fantastic singer, but I have two tips for you:
You need to hire a new stylist, because in the past year, what you're doing isn't working.
If you're going to sing The Star Spangled Banner at the most important sports event of the year, please make sure you have all the words memorized.


You know what, I just don't get The Black Eyed Peas--not music-wise, not fashion-wise. Every song they performed sounded like it came from an iPhone commercial, and Tron couture is never the way to go.

Why I watch awards shows, the bad

Let's pause for a moment and look at the loveliness that is Johnny Depp. Yes, he wasn't wearing a tie and he had disheveled hair. Yes, I'm furthering a double standard here by not calling him on it. But he's Johnny Depp, and he's delicious, and I've had a crush on him since 21 Jump Street. I wanted to spend a quiet moment with him before we plumb the depths of what's to come. Yum. Johnny Depp.

Okay, shake off that warm feeling. It's time to plumb.

January Jones in Versace
Okay, I'm torn here. Half of me thinks she's a frightening, befringed cyborg mutant fembot from the future who has come here to wipe out the human race so her kind can take over. The other half of me loves her for just that reason. What do you think?

Michelle Williams in Valentino
Who knew daisies could get depressed?

Julianne Moore in Lanvin
Oh, damn. I love Julianne Moore, but this is just a disaster on eighty-seven levels. That weird giant sleeve that's attacking her head, the neon rollerblade pink, the way the satin wrinkled in the Prius on the ride over. I flinched when I saw this. You can't see it in this photo, but the sleeve-collar-goiter has actually eaten half of her diamond encrusted necklace, too. Tragic.

Jennifer Lopez in Zuhair Murad
Ponch-no! This looks like something Eva Gabor would wear while burning toast on Green Acres. Many have raved about it, but I don't get it. It's probably me. Plus, she had on silver eyeshadow. If you're going to go drag queen, go full out drag queen.

Leighton Meester in Burberry
Eeeeeeeeeek! Burberry is designing gowns for polygamist religious sects! Out of bedspreads from 1978!

Jennifer Love Hewitt in Romona Keveza
Why does J-Love always look like a bridesmaid? Or a prom queen runner up? I'd even give her a pass on the dress if her hair didn't look like she had it done at Nancy's Bridal Salon over on Kitteridge Road.

Megan Fox in Armani Prive
Yes, Megan Fox. You are a sex bomb. I get it. This dress appeared to be made of interwoven bedazzled Ace bandages. And, as Michael Kors would say, with that slit, you could see what she had for breakfast.

Lea Michelle in Oscar de la Renta
This was an odd one. Again, I really like Lea Michelle, but this dress was just huge and heavy. I saw photos of the gown at the de la Renta show, and the ruffles were a lot more structural and stiff. I'd imagine that this one didn't travel very well and wilted. Plus, she had to manuever it and hold parts of it up and down and sideways. Way too much work for a look that doesn't flatter her. She's a petite little thing, and this just looks like she's being attacked by strawberry marshmallow fluff.

Hallie Berry in Nina Ricci
Hello, Hallie! I dreamed I was Catwoman in my Maidenform bra!

Sandra Bullock in Jenny Packham
She just looks sad and defeated. That hair and that dress in no way relate to each other. Apparently, her hair kept catching on the beading of her gown. I love dramatic bangs, but not here. Compare it to her Oscar look from last year. The gown is similar to Scarlett Johansson's, only Scarlett owned it, and Sandra looks like a morose emo teen playing dress up against her will. Kind of interesting, considering all of the gossip surrounding Sandra and Scarlett's estranged husband.

Helena Bonham Carter in Vivienne Westwood
Yay! Yes yes yes! I love me some Helena Bonham Carter! Doesn't she look like Edina from Absolutely Fabulous? Okay, this is awful. The dress is weird and doesn't fit, her hair is out of control and looks like my hair when I first get out of bed in the high humidity in July, and she's wearing one red shoe and one green shoe! Yes, she is! I kind of love it because I expect her to spill a martini on me and call me sweetie darling. Maybe she should have gone with Lacroix instead? Lacroix, darling.